Touhou and the Noun
by FeeptheNinja
Summary: Read these stories to your children! They have morals! [Do not read these stories to your children. Contains copious amounts of swearing. Intentionally poorly written, but spelled correctly.]
1. Marisa and the Oceab

**Marisa and the Oceab**

 **One day Marisa wanted to see the ocean.**

 **"Alice, I want to see the ocean." Said Marisa.**

 **Alice ate a pretentious finger sandwich. "Marisa, you are a dumb fuck. Oceans do not exist."**

 **Marisa said, "I might be a dumb fuck, but I know in my heart that oceans really exist, and I will find one and bring it back to you to prove you wrong."**

 **Alice drank her tea in a pretentious manner. "Marisa, you are the dumbest fuck I have ever met. Even if oceans did exist, you couldn't carry one, because these purely hypothetical oceans are full of angry whales, and you can't carry even one whale. It is impossible."**

 **But Marisa had already burned down Alice's house and gone to find an ocean.**

 **"God damn it." Said Alice, pretentiously.**

 **Marisa flew around Gensokyo until she smashed her face into the barrier and fell off her broom. She fell into the river.**

 **"Did I find an ocean?" Said Marisa aloud, through a mouthful of river water and blood.**

 **"No, you dipshit." Said Nitori as she rose out of the water. "Oceans don't exist."**

 **"Nitori, if you believe in oceans, oceans will exist." Said Marisa.**

 **"You are a dipshit." Said Nitori, eating a cucumber. She hit Marisa in the face with a wrench.**

 **"Ouch." Said Marisa, and she flew away again.**

 **Marisa went to the moon. She did not see any oceans. She got stabbed.**

 **"Ouch." Said Marisa, and she looked at the person who stabbed her.**

 **"Get the fuck off our planet." Said Toyohime.**

 **"Why did you steal Yorihime's sword." Said Marisa.**

 **"So I could stab you. You cannot stab people with fans." Said Toyohime.**

 **"Do you believe in oceans, Toyohime." Said Marisa.**

 **"No, you impure pissbrain. Oceans do not exist." Said Toyohime.**

 **Marisa said "Toyohime, the oceans will only come out of hiding if you believe in them with all your heart." She teared up a little for effect.**

 **"Get the fuck off our planet." Said Toyohime.**

 **Marisa flew off of the moon.**

 **Marisa flew to Tokyo.**

 **"Maybe oceans do not really exist after all." She said to herself, and since she thought this in her heart, she did not see any oceans, even though she was on a fucking island. It also might have been because Seija evaporated the ocean with a giant magnifying glass before Marisa got there.**

 **Marisa flew back to Gensokyo.**

 **Marisa was crying at her house.**

 **"What is wrong, Marisa." Said Yukari, who was being a creeper.**

 **"Oh Yukari, I think oceans must not really exist after all. I was so excited to bring one to Alice but I could not find even one." Said Marisa.**

 **"But Marisa," said Yukari. "You did not have to go looking at all. The real ocean was inside you all along."**

 **"Really." Said Marisa.**

 **"Really." Said Yukari.**

 **Marisa was so very excited that she ran to tell Alice about the ocean inside of herself. Alice was pretentiously exasperated by Marisa's antics and was about to swear loudly at her when an ocean suddenly exploded out of Marisa's body and killed her and drowned the entirety of Gensokyo.**

 **"I warned her." Said Yukari.**

 **Moral: Oceans do not really exist.**


	2. Raimu and the Bees

**Raimu and the Bees**

 **Reimu's house was full of bees.**

 **She could not beelieve it at first. She thought all the buzzing was because of her passive-aggressive schizophrenia. But when she opened her dresser to get new underpants she realized all of her underwear was now bees.**

 **"Huh." Said Reimu.**

 **She didn't put on any bees and went to make her morning leaf water. But when she opened her leaf water pot, it was full of bees instead of leaf water.**

 **"Huh." Said Reimu.**

 **She closed the lid and went to take a bath. But when she went to get a bucket of water from the well, only bees came out.**

 **"Holy fucking shit, my house is infested with bees." Said Reimu.**

 **Reimu went to the house to get her big red-white balls, but when her back was turned, her entire house had become bees.**

 **"Shit." Said Reimu, and she flew away from the bees.**

 **Reimu went to Alice's house and knocked on Alice's door.**

 **"Alice," said Reimu, "you will not fucking beelieve what happened to my house."**

 **Alice opened the door. She stared at Reimu.**

 **"My house is made out of bees." Said Alice in a pretentious manner.**

 **"What." Said Reimu.**

 **Alice's house seemed to be entirely composed of very pretentious bees.**

 **"I just finished rebuilding it after Marisa burned it down and inflicted severe flood damage upon it." Said Alice. "She was a shitlord."**

 **"But now it is made out of bees." Said Reimu.**

 **"Yes." Said Alice.**

 **"Shit." Said Reimu, and flew away.**

 **"God damn it." Said Alice.**

 **Reimu flew to Sanae's shrine.**

 **"Sanae, you will not fucking beelieve what happened to my tea." Said Reimu.**

 **"Why aren't you bothering Marisa." Said Sanae.**

 **"Marisa is dead." Said Reimu.**

 **"I forgot." Said Sanae.**

 **"You did." Said Reimu.**

 **"She was a shitlord. She caused severe flood damage to my shrine." Said Sanae.**

 **"Yeah." Said Reimu.**

 **"Buzz." Said Sanae. Honey started dripping out of her mouth.**

 **"Shit." Said Reimu, and flew away.**

 **Reimu flew to the Scarlet Devil Mansion.**

 **"Remilia," Said Reimu, "you will not fucking beelieve what happened to my underwear."**

 **"Buzz." Said Remilia, who was now a larger-than-average bee.**

 **"What." Said Reimu.**

 **"Buzz." Said the giant bee, in a vaguely aroused sort of way.**

 **"Fuck off, I'm not letting you see." Said Reimu.**

 **"Buzz." Said Remilia, and the pink hat on her head was pushed off by her antennae.**

 **"Shit." Said Reimu, and flew away.**

 **Reimu was swearing loudly on the steps of her shrine.**

 **"What is wrong, Reimu." Said Yukari.**

 **"I am homeless." Said Reimu.**

 **"And what else." Said Yukari.**

 **"And I am thirsty." Said Reimu.**

 **"And what else." Said Yukari.**

 **"And I am not wearing any underwear." Said Reimu.**

 **"Ooh." Said Yukari.**

 **"I will exterminate you." Said Reimu.**

 **"Please don't." Said Yukari.**

 **"Okay." Said Reimu. "How do I get rid of bees."**

 **"Oh, Reimu," said Yukari, "you do not have to get rid of the bees. The real bees were inside you all along."**

 **"What the fuck does that even mean." Said Reimu. "It does not answer my question at all oh my fucking god."**

 **Reimu then exploded merrily into more than five hundred bees, who buzzed a lot and went to topple society as it is known today. They were successful. Now the world was run by bees. They also exploded the moon because Yorihime insulted their stingers.**

 **"I warned her." Said Yukari.**

 **"Buzz." Said the very successful bees.**

 **Moral: Bees are extremely touchy.**


End file.
